People keep asking: "Are you excited?" The honest answer right now is "no." I know I am following where God has led, and I am secure in the knowledge that He will ultimately be most glorified as I am obedient and that this will also bring me joy, but these last days and weeks have been full of sadness as I say goodbyes and a wonderful season comes to a close.
The reality of what I'm leaving is my daily experience and the excitement of what I'm diving into is still a future possibility. Leaving means breaking up with a wonderful guy, giving up what could be a six figure salary, uprooting again, relegating surfing to a vacation-only activity, being a stranger to a new community and a new country, not being able to call friends anytime I'm thinking of them, selling my fun little car, stepping outside my comfort zone of the system that trained me, not getting to see my friends' babies grow up. I know the lives of people I'm leaving behind will continue without me: more babies will be born weddings and engagements will happen, birthdays will be celebrated, heartfelt conversations about the hard stuff of life will take place- and I won't be there for it. I know there will be new people and I'm entering a new community who have already been so welcoming. That anticipated joy doesn't make the sadness of loss any less piercing. Tears are close to the surface these days.
If I'm brutally honest, there's a part of me that fears that everything I'm leaving and giving up will never be replaced. I know it's irrational but there is some deep part of me that wonders if these are the most meaningful friendships I'll ever have, the best recreation, the last romantic relationship, the most satisfying job. Luke has held much wisdom for me lately, especially Jesus' words about not being anxious but also about what the consequences of leaving and giving things up is. "And he said to them, "Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or wife or brothers or parents or children, for the sake of the kingdom of God, who will not receive many times more in this time, and in the age to come eternal life." (Luke 18:29, 30 ESV)
I already have so many stories of how God has provided in every area, often even before I've been able to pray, or in ways I didn't even think of asking. I know He'll be with me wherever I go, and His promises continue to be true even when I change locations. I'm excited to prove Him right.
